Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of
economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known
as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for
the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who
have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme
(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once,
SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel
that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of
your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can
handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
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